February 14th; National Cat Awareness Day.
1. Studies have shown that cat sales in the month of February exponentially increase each year. This year cat sales, and cat paraphernalia (cat sweaters, mugs, cat shaped clocks) have risen an impressive 13% in sales since January.
2. The number of stray cats on city streets decreases by nearly 50% during the daylight hours of February 14th. It’s been reported that in Boston, a city of nearly 3,000 stray cats, decreased to roughly 21 cats on February 14, 1968, a record that has been challenged in both 2009 and 2011.
3. Veterinary Technicians see the most business in the month of February, for various causes; the dominant animal in these Vet Tech’s offices being, of course, the feline. Among the reasons these cats show up so frequently to the Vets, cats being forced into human-like clothing, become stuck in the zippers by their cat hairs. The most common outfit for these cats to become stuck in are small tuxedos. When a reporter asked the owner of one of these cats, after noticing the pattern of cats being caught in fake tuxedo zippers for cats, why it was she dressed her pet in such a way, she responded with “He was trying it on for Valentine’s day.”
4. Cat food sales on February 14th are astronomically better than any other day of the year. A Wal-Mart in Green Lake, Iowa ran out of cat food (all 500 bags they had in stock) on February 14, 2007. “We have stocked up since,” says Assistant Manager of Sales at the Green Lake Wal-Mart. “Women were running up and down the cat isles, some women got hurt. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
5. The number of cat-related-posts on twitter triple on the 14th of February. Some of these tweets have read;
“Fuck boys! Staying home with my cats instead!”
“Who needs a two legged valentine when you could have one with four? #ihopemycatsfurabsorbsmytears”
“I’m feline ready for Valentines Day!”
Please, as the President of Cats Uniting Nationally Tribute Society, I wish for everyone to take these facts and realize that cats are no substitute for a human lover. NO MATTER HOW MANY CATS YOU MAY OWN. Accept your fate, as an unattractive shapeless woman, and leave cats alone.
Thank you. And have a safe Valentines Day.
